Timing is everything
I’m such a control freak. I have been scared to death, cut open, poisoned, and basically made androgynous, but the hardest part of this whole ride has been about time. I was going to say waiting, but that’s only part of it. The concept of TIME covers waiting, healing, counting the days between treatments, knowing when I do or don’t or will or won’t need help, planning my days, planning my future, and waiting some more. TIME has been my largest struggle.
I should have known it would be an issue when time stood still after my diagnosis. Then there was the wait for a surgery date, while fielding a thousand questions about “what next?” Then the healing post surgery. Then the waiting for pathology results. Waiting for oncologist appts. Waiting for treatment to start. Waiting for the next treatment. Waiting for the side effects to either show up or not….
I’ve stopped worrying so much about appts and doctors – they always seem to just come. But the treatment thing is really tough, especially for a control freak like me.
This is how my mind works. Based on previous treatments, I THINK I have figured out my timing. I have 21 days between chemo treatments. Days 1-10 are pretty much a sliding scale of how I feel. So day 1 is a one out of ten. Day 6 is a six out of ten. Etc etc. Understand that by day 10, I’m possibly saying its a ten out of ten, but on a real person’s scale of “feeling well” it’s more like a 7. But I’m functioning. That’s a good thing.
So technically, according to my calculations and expectations, I should feel great for the next ten days, right?? I generally do, for the most part, except that I’m an emotional wreck. Especially for the last 5 days. The last 5 days I spend “getting ready” for my next treatment, which means jamming a thousand things into my days, overdoing it and having panic attacks. That’s where I am today.
The kicker is, this treatment is the last one of this particular kind of chemo. Next round they switch it up to a different kind – one with totally different side effects that in my opinion sound a lot scarier than anything I have already experienced. Things like bone pain. Neuropathy in hands and feet (meaning lose feeling, numbness, tingling). Possible heart complications. Plus it’s 6 hours in the chair, as opposed to 2. BUT everyone in the cancer world seems to say that the first four treatments, the last of which I have on Thursday, are the worst, and honestly they weren’t that bad. So maybe I’ll get lucky with this new kind too!!
Today I cried a lot. I have a lot of stuff on my brain that won’t resolve itself. For example, I have always had my summers planned out in January, yet this year, I can’t plan anything. I don’t know how I’m going to feel, and I don’t know what I’m going to be up for. I’m really really hoping Aidan gets one of the jobs he has applied for so at least I’ll only have one child to worry about. I’d also really like it to stay at a breezy 25 degrees please. The heat sucks when you’re feeling shitty.
We also have some important renovations that have to get done – and not optional ones. I won’t bore you with details, but things like a hole in our deck Jeff may just fall through when he’s at the BBQ. And a completely full storage room that has to be gutted and made into another bedroom for an international student in the fall. For those of you who understand how purging and decluttering paralyze me, you can imagine the stress of that one!! Napalm anyone?
(Hilarious side bar – just as I finished typing that chunk my phone rang and it was Big Brothers/Big Sisters looking for donations – sorry, I’m not ready for you!!!)
The funniest thing about time is that when I was first diagnosed I kept myself afloat by saying things like “think of all the books I’ll read!” And “finally I can watch me some Netflix!” But you know what? I haven’t read a single book. I did watch the first season of Orange is the New Black, but then I lost interest and haven’t been back. I’ve watched a few movies, but by a few I actually mean maybe 3. I have, however, come up with any number of “grand plans” for my future, including location changes, career changes – you name it, I’ve considered it. Jeff never seems to be on board though, so here we shall stay for the time being.
Not the most upbeat of posts, but I’m just super anxious about this next round and the time it is going to steal from me. This entire cancer bullshit is all about stealing time. I can see there’s obviously some kind of life lesson about patience and finding my passion and enjoying the little things in here somewhere, but not today. Today I just feel ripped off.
Save yourself – go get a mammogram.