The down days…

I don’t know how to call for help from the bottom recesses of my soul. I don’t want to bring anyone else down with my whining or my woe-is-me-isms. I don’t want to share my grief, my fears, my anxieties – because there’s enough of that in everyone else’s world. I don’t need to add my down to anyone else’s down.

But then I have days when I feel so forgotten, so lost, so discouraged. And all I need is a hug, or a text or an encouraging note, just to remind me that I do in fact have people. People who love me. People who are thinking of me. I know they are, and I know they’re busy too, just like I’m always busy and often miss out on those moments for others in their need.

Today is one of those days. It’s things that are horrible to say out loud that put me here too. Like seeing someone celebrate that they are cancer free after only a few months of treatment – I should be ecstatic for them! But all I can think of is why not me? Or having someone relate their own cancer experience to mine when all they had was a lump removed and called it a day. I wish! I hate these thoughts and I hate these feelings and they make me feel even worse. Because I am truly so happy for them. I wouldn’t wish this shit on anyone. Cancer is scary and it’s ugly and it makes the world a shitty place. I just want this to be over…

Not to worry, I know this too shall pass. I know that a good cry, a good night’s sleep and an evening checking out this awesome Blue Moon we’re expecting tonight will help. I’d prefer it not to be so hot – I feel like a puffer fish.