The day before the next go round

So. Ten days until Aidan goes away for school. Ten days until our new student arrives from Germany, and another from China. In the next ten days we need to drywall, rip up carpet, lay laminate, paint, and finish the second room for the second student. We also have the Grizzlies and the Royals rookie camps for Aidan. And I have my 7th round of the shitty chemo tomorrow.

It’s a beautiful beautiful day. The sun is shining, the sky is blue and there’s a nice breeze. But my heart is heavy, my mood is dark, and I am completely and totally overwhelmed. I’m just so tired. I’m so ready for all of this to be over.

I hate chemo. I hate cancer. I hate what it’s doing to my body and my mind. I don’t even know how to talk about it, or how to explain myself to anyone else. I just feel like I’m drowning in a sea of grey.  It’s been so hard on all of us.

I met again with my oncology team this week and we’re all still on track. I’ll finish this shitty chemo September 10th, heal up until Thanksgiving, start 6 weeks of daily radiation once we’re home from our TG tournament, heal over Christmas, then in January or February I’ll have the double mastectomy and DIEP flap reconstruction, where they basically rebuild my boobs out of my abdominal tissue (woo! Tummy tuck!). I’ll also continue on the Herceptin (magic juice – the non-shitty chemo) every three weeks until June and the hormone therapy for the next five years. That part is the scariest for me. I’ve heard such nightmares about the drugs I’ll have to take. But if they keep me alive….

One of the things they told me today was not to get attached to the hair that’s growing back right now – that it may fall out again, before the end of this shitty chemo. It’s stuff like that that just make this all a cruel game. Cancer is so bloody dehumanizing.

I need to find my “why” again, my purpose, my joy. I need something to look forward to. I’m so sad about Aidan leaving, but I’m tickled pink for him at the same time. I’m overwhelmed by the renos, but so thankful for those that have stepped in out of the blue to help us with them. I’m pissed off that I can’t go to Mexico with my mom between chemo and radiation, but so thankful that I get to wait to start it until after Thanksgiving, when Aidan will be home for the weekend. I would really like to go to Middle Beach Lodge in Tofino with Jeff at some point, possibly the last weekend in September. I just need a lot of ducks to get in a row first!!

Tomorrow I’ll be one step closer to being done this stupid ride. I just need to get my head out of my ass and find my happy place again.