Thankfulness
So it hasn’t been the best past few days for me. I spent a lot of Saturday in the ER with trouble breathing, and then yesterday I spent the whole of Father’s Day feeling sorry for myself that I couldn’t be a better wife to my husband on his day. Don’t get me wrong, he had a great day. I just didn’t get to partake it in.
I woke up this morning and realized that even though this really really sucks – all of it – it could be so much worse. I managed to get myself to a place where I actually feel thankful for what is happening with me right now. You hear about people who can do that – the happy unicorn people that find blessings in everything, that find the silver lining in every moment. I try. I do. But some days I just want to curl up in a ball and rage. Which I’ve learned is perfectly fine too, as long as sooner or later you pull yourself out, at least for the sake of the people around you.
So that’s what happened last night. I was having a blubber session on the couch when Jeff, very quietly, looked at me and said Teri, I need you to find the positive side again.
Now Jeff rarely says stuff like that. Rarely will he ask me for anything for that matter. So when he did, I realized that yes, we are in this together, and he needs some hope too.
My situation isn’t super bleak. It isn’t dire. I’m not dying today. I’m going through a hell of a battle, but I’m still able to get my ass up out of bed and choose something out of 500 channels to fill my day should I wish to. This morning I got up and had steel cut oats with fresh local strawberries and so far, all is well and my body isn’t rejecting anything. It is a gorgeous day. I have a friend coming to visit, I can have a nice warm shower whenever I want, and if needed, I have a plethora of meds I can take for whatever ails me.
But mostly, I’m thankful for all that the cancer is teaching me. I’m learning not to take things or people for granted. I’m loving my family, my home, our yard, my surroundings. I am learning a ton about random people and their generosity, and I’m learning to forgive those that just don’t have it in them. I’m thankful for this little device in my hand that keeps me connected to my friends and family all over the world, and allows me to make new friends that are going through the same things as me. I’m thankful that I can spend the summer at home with my boys, and not have to work and worry about which camp they have to be at when, or who forgot their lunch. I am learning to enjoy the quiet – the gentle breeze of the fan in the living room, the cars going by, the family of deer that live in our garden and my Tallie snuggles.
Cancer itself sucks. The treatments are horrible. The nausea, the surgeries, the fear and anxieties are debilitating. But it’s all just what you have to do. Just like you have to go to work to make ends meet, you just have to go through the trials to get the best chance of survival. I’ve learned it’s all pretty much a crap shoot anyway – they never really know if they get it all, what’s next, what your chances are. You just have to go through the motions and pray it’s working. So the only thing you have going for you, in all honesty, is your attitude and hope. Staying thankful for what you have, for the care you’re receiving, for the trial itself, is what is going to keep you afloat. At least that’s what’s working for me.
God is good. Now go get a mammogram.