Shit people say….
Today I’ve run into a sort of theme. It started innocently enough by an internet troll trying to sell me some multilevel supplement that “will change my life”. I was feeling somewhat adventurous so I responded, mostly to her marketing technique of trolling her friends’ facebook friends and hoping for a bite, and we got into a bit of a conversation about “what’s best for me.” I finally told her sorry, I can’t do her supplement because I’m doing chemo, and she responded with a list of people she knows who have died of cancer, and how it only affects the strongest people, etc etc etc. Her logic was way off, and I’m sure her intentions were kind, but nevertheless, it was one of a thousand things people have said to me that just make me shake my head.
This morning my friend came over and I told her about this blog. I told her about my fears of it not being “ready” or “perfect” and she said to me “Teri – people like raw. They like refreshing. They like you. You’re funny. You’re real. You’re honest. You just have to speak your mind, and if it pisses some people off, then so be it. But people need to hear about your journey. Because sooner or later they will be there too, and they will realize that they feel the same way.”
What I found today, after posting about said internet troll, was yes, some people really get it. But many don’t. Lots of people want to “look for the best” and “she didn’t mean to piss you off” and “nobody knows what to say” and “shake it off.” These are valid points if I were actually upset or pissed off or hurt by what she said. But to be honest, I was trying to raise awareness of general dumbassery, because I had a perfect specimen in hand of someone who I didn’t know, I didn’t care about, and I didn’t have to worry about her feelings by outing her.
People say the stupidest things. I am not an exception. I remember one time being in Costco and seeing an old friend who’s mom had just passed away. At the moment I was jumping on mattresses trying to figure out which one to buy for my kids. I made an extremely unhelpful, horrible, inappropriate comment about maybe jumping on mattresses would help. I can hear you cringing from here. It was horrible. Possibly the worst timed, disgustingly insensitive thing I have ever said to someone. As soon as I said it I felt sick to my stomach. So I understand what it feels like to say stupid things, to not know what to say, to be completely ill equipped in a momentary situation.
The thing everyone needs to remember, at least when dealing with me, is that I’m still me. I may look different, my diagnosis may scare you, you may be afraid of upsetting me or pissing me off, but chances are good that an inappropriate or funny comment will fly better than a tilted head “thinking about you”. I bumped into my friend Ian at Starbucks the other day and he looked at me and said “Jesus, Teri, you could have just used a regular scarf – you didn’t have to use the bloody tablecloth.” My other friend Tania, when I posted my bald picture on Facebook, replied with something like “wow, you coulda given a heads up that was coming before scaring the shit out of us on our newsfeed”. My friend Lisa, when I asked about what to do in my downtime, suggested I pull out the porn. It’s the not so thought out, hilariously inappropriate that makes me feel like ME. The guffaw moments. Say something you would have said to me before cancer came along as the no fun police. I spend enough time worrying that I have had my identity stolen. Help me to remember what I find funny.
And go get a mammogram.
-*by the way – about 6 months later I bumped into the same friend at Costco and the first thing I did was apologize for my horrible words. She forgave me. That’s ok too – if you’ve said something dumb, or worse, fallen out of touch because you don’t know what to say, I’ll forgive you when we see each other again. As long as you don’t give me the tilted head pity party. That’s not ok.