Happiness?
This morning while perusing my newsfeed I came across an article titled “Money, good relationships and a sense of purpose are key to happiness.” I didn’t actually open the article to read whatever they had to say, but it got me asking myself – am I happy?
Since I’ve been off work, I have had a lot of time to think. I have had a lot of time to think through the big things. To love my kids. To think about my legacy. To question my relationships. To assess whether the people in my life are feeding my soul or bringing me down. I think about what our lives will be like “after cancer.” Whether anything will ever go back to how it was before, or if I even want it to. How exactly does one pick up where you left off when hit by a semi like this?
Looking at this list, money – well we don’t have any, so that’s not in the equation. But I understand why it’s on there. I think perhaps it’s your relationship with money that makes you happy or not. Finances stress me out – a lot – but I have a pretty good grasp of how to not let it bother me too much.
Relationships? Since January, a LOT of people have exited my life, both for my reasons and theirs. I think once I got over the hurt and disappointment, I realized that it’s just not in everyone’s wheelhouse to deal with something as big and scary as cancer, and that being human equates to being fallible. I’ve been thinking a lot about grace and mercy. I am learning to extend grace to those that don’t deserve it, and mercy to those who actually realize that fact.
A sense of purpose is the tricky one for me. Really, my sole purpose right now is to survive. Well, honestly, that’s pretty lame. Every day, every person, cancer or not, should have a goal to get through the day, whether they acknowledge it or not. I don’t think “kicking cancer’s ass” is a purpose. It’s just what I have to do right now. I’m not picking up my cross and taking cancer on as my life’s mission. What other purposes do I have right now though? To get through the laundry? To make sure dinner gets on the table on time? To have a smiling face painted on for when Jeff drags his overworked, stressed and exhausted ass through the door at night?
I think this is where I have found so much delight in Ingress (my game that I’ve been playing). It’s silly, but it gives me a purpose that is NOT focussed on me. I’m part of a team. We make virtual triangles all over the city. We attack things with imaginary weapons on our phones. Really, I’m saving the world a bit every day. It’s often the only thing that gets me through the day.
So am I happy? Yes, I’d say for the most part I’m happy. I am loved and I love deeply. I hope I am making some sort of positive change in this world (and not just virtually).
I have my days when I think too much about what will happen if this kills me. I have my days when I miss my son so much it takes my breath away. I have my days when the laundry does not get done, we order pizza and I’m in bed when Jeff gets home. But mostly, I’m good. The best days are when I am successful in extending grace and mercy to myself. That is where I am most content.