Forty-one is such a boring, bland nondescript number. It’s a prime number. It’s the atomic number of niobium, something I know nothing about. George H. W. Bush was the 41st president of the United States – and I can’t remember if that’s the old one or the dumb one. It’s the number Kurt Busch drives in Nascar. Again, I can’t remember which brother he is – if he’s the one I’m supposed to like or dislike. 41 doesn’t stand out much at all. Today is the last day that I will be 41. For that I am thankful. It’s been somewhat of a shitty year. To be fair, I actually…

Today I woke up feeling strangely excited about my treatment tomorrow. It’s the last of the shitty chemo and for that I am very very thankful! But I also just knew today was going to be an awesome day. And voila!! Good news! I had my oncologist appt today, and got the results of my MRI. We’re winning!!!! Results showed significant diminishing of the tumours, with FULL resolution of all but one, which is almost too small to see. So this last round should finish it off! I am over the moon. Yay for good news! As we launch into a new school year and a new hockey season, and…

Today I am sending my oldest son away to Athol Murray College of Notre Dame in Wilcox, Saskatchewan. I’m very excited for him. And completely broken hearted at the same time. But so so proud. He is going to do great things that kid! He just finished at the Victoria Royals rookie camp, where at his exit interview they asked him to stay for the Main camp. I am absolutely bursting with pride!!! We had to make the heart wrenching decision in the parking lot to continue with our plans to send him to ND today and graciously thank them for their offer. They understood, and said that they will…

Well for the first time, I have googled a symptom and got good news! Yes, I’m laughing at the silliness of this. I’ve been having quite a lot of pain in my cancerous breast, which is weird and different than it has been to date. So I googled it (which is something I rarely do… word to the wise: never Google anything health related, because Dr Internet can kill you in five seconds flat.) Well it turns out that many people can actually feel the tumours breaking apart because of the chemo! So, I have decided I shall latch onto that – my chemo is working, and I know so…

I had a fabulous massage today from my friend Laurie (thank you!). She asked me at one point if I am on a special diet during my treatment. I answered her the same way I answer every time I get asked that question (which is all the time). I eat whatever tastes good, and whatever I can keep down. It’s a flippant answer. But there’s so much public opinion out there about what cancer patients should or should not do/eat/drink/do that it’s the easiest answer to stop the conversation. But I have to be honest – it’s a really tricky thing to navigate. Yesterday I was in Thrifty’s and Brendan…

Today is my seventh round of chemo. By all experience, I’m expecting the next three weeks to be pretty much the worst, because side effects are cumulative. The next one on September 10th will be my LAST, and therefore I predict more celebration than suffering. So I have decided that I have to approach this one differently to make it more bearable. The bone and joint pain are horrible. So this round I’m going to head that off by trying acupuncture. The depression is worse though, so I’m doubling up my vitamin B shots. I’ve also decided that no matter how I’m feeling, I will do 20 minutes of yoga…

So. Ten days until Aidan goes away for school. Ten days until our new student arrives from Germany, and another from China. In the next ten days we need to drywall, rip up carpet, lay laminate, paint, and finish the second room for the second student. We also have the Grizzlies and the Royals rookie camps for Aidan. And I have my 7th round of the shitty chemo tomorrow. It’s a beautiful beautiful day. The sun is shining, the sky is blue and there’s a nice breeze. But my heart is heavy, my mood is dark, and I am completely and totally overwhelmed. I’m just so tired. I’m so ready for…

Good morning all!! Is it morning? Who bloody knows…. I have always been pretty quick witted, pretty smart, pretty on the ball. But I’ve found a new side of me thanks to this chemo crap. I forget everything. I lose everything. I completely blank out mid sentence. A lot of people have said “oh that happens to me all the time!” But I have to tell you – it’s not the same. See when you add those blanks spots to panic and anxiety, you end up in a puddle on the kitchen floor because you can’t remember where you keep the potatoes. Keep, not put. There’s a difference. We have…

Good morning! I’m feeling better today. Emotionally anyway. I figured out that the steroids that they give me are what’s making me all messed up – it’s easier for me to accept it when I know the cause. It’s not my marriage breaking up or my children hating me or my world falling apart – it’s just a chemical in my body that needs to get flushed sooner than later!!! My thoughts today are about community. I have a lot of friends on Facebook. I have a huge support network. Or so it seems from the outside. Many people comment on my huge cheering section and I LOVE my cheering…

A lot of people comment on how I’m so positive, I have such a great attitude, etc. Well I have a secret for you. I don’t post much on my down days. I don’t know how to call for help from the bottom recesses of my soul. I don’t want to bring anyone else down with my whining or my woe-is-me-isms. I don’t want to share my grief, my fears, my anxieties – because there’s enough of that in everyone else’s world. I don’t need to add my down to anyone else’s down. But then I have days when I feel so forgotten, so lost, so discouraged. And all I…