An untitled mess of emotions

These past few days, I have been, to put it simply, an absolute fucking mess. Because I consider myself a rockstar, I tried to wean myself off my pain meds a bit early. On Tuesday I woke up super excited about the day. I’d had a great sleep, I got up, went for a walk, made myself an awesome breakfast, showered all by myself, and then Jeff picked me up to take me to my post-op appointment. Well, once I got there, the two Tylenol I had taken in the morning seemed to wear off. She removed my bandages, which was a hell of an ordeal, and then said three of my four drains were ready to be taken out. I had my first panic when I looked at her and said “is it going to hurt?”

I tried to be brave. I mean after all I’ve been through, seriously? A drain removal couldn’t be that bad. As she pulled the first one out of my right armpit, I looked at Jeff and something just snapped inside my brain. I don’t want to do this anymore. I am so tired of pain and needles and drugs and doctors appointments. I am tired of fear and anger and losing myself one piece at a time.

I started to cry, right there in the office, and twelve hours later I was still crying. I finally hit my wall. My rock bottom. I planned my funeral. I wrote down all my passwords. I curled up in a very flat plank. I screamed in my room and scared my cat all the way to Tofino. It wasn’t pretty. Not pretty at all.

Then yesterday I got a call from my other surgeons office that they had my pathology back. I had them email it to me. And right there, in black and white, it said “No evidence of malignancy.”

It’s one of those moments that I’ve envisioned for a whole year – what I would do/say/think/drink when I found out that my cancer was gone. I assumed exaltation and dancing. I assumed happiness and joy. But what really happened? I just cried more. I was so exhausted, so depleted, so completely DONE that I didn’t even know how to react at all.

So knowing I was not reacting the way I “should” be reacting, I turned to my loyal cheering section on Facebook. I’m so thankful for all of my people. You guys have no idea how much I need you to keep the faith when I just can’t.

Sure enough, today is another day. I had the best nights sleep I’ve had since I left the hospital. I went to my oncologists appointment for my pre-chemo appointment and found out that I’m healing nicely. She said she was “exceptionally pleased” with my lack of bruising and how well I’m healing up. I actually took a look at myself in the mirror. I’ve lost 14 pounds and I have to say – I’m lookin good!! As my friend Linda said – I didn’t even have to eat a carrot!