I think I’m losing it….

I have always been pretty quick witted, pretty smart, pretty on the ball. But I’ve found a new side of me thanks to this chemo crap. I forget everything. I lose everything. I completely blank out mid sentence. A lot of people have said “oh that happens to me all the time!” But I have to tell you – it’s not the same.

See when you add those blanks spots to panic and anxiety, you end up in a puddle on the kitchen floor because you can’t remember where you keep the potatoes. Keep, not put. There’s a difference. We have kept our potatoes in the same spot for ten years. It’s not like I misplaced the potatoes.

I’m sending Aidan off to Notre Dame in Saskatchewan in two and a half weeks. It’s a college prep school that excels in athletics and academics. He is so excited. We are so excited for him. These next three weeks are, with everything going on in my life, overwhelming to say the least. My to do lists are HUGE. I’m so afraid of forgetting something important.

Where I used to be so efficient in multi tasking and time management, suddenly I feel useless. I just can’t keep my head on straight. I’m OFF WORK for crying out loud – why can’t I somehow buy school supplies and book a flight with westjet on the same day?? 9 months ago, I was the mom of two hockey players that did her masters full time while working full time while also organizing hockey tournaments and having dinner on the table. I miss old me!!!

As for this new chemo, I’m two rounds in, two rounds to go. While there’s no nausea (yay!) there is a lot of joint and bone pain, water retention, memory loss and emotional instability. And fatigue. Have I mentioned the fatigue? Just the past few days the fatigue has hit me square in the teeth. But my hair is definitely growing back, even though now I have lost my eyebrows and eyelashes.

I’ve been doing a lot of out and about shopping and errands recently, getting Aidan ready for the year. I’ve also started going out without a hat – just because I don’t really give a shit what people think any more. Nobody makes eye contact in public anyway, so yesterday I decided to go out in public in some of my crazy tights. I figure if anyone wants to judge the size of my ass they’ll just look up and see my shiny head and figure I’ve got worse things to worry about!!!

Have a fabulous day! And go get a mammogram!