Those days when your heart breaks for no reason at all….
I woke up this morning with tears in my eyes. It’s now 845 at night and there have been more tears today than any day I’ve seen in a long time. What kills me is its been all over little dumb things – like silly spats and knotted wool and unneccesary elbowing penalties. My capacity for “dealing” just seems to be diminished significantly today.
Today I had my 11th round of chemo and my 25th radiation treatment. I’m tired. My third doctors appointment of the week brought up the same as the previous two – that I need to start preparing myself for the emotional barrage. The fact of the matter is that chemo has launched me into menopause, which adds all the hormonal upheaval to the already traumatic experience that is cancer itself.
So after I snapped at my radiation tech and bitched at my chemo nurse and cried pretty much all day long, I went for a vitamin B shot, which also came with a much needed hug from my naturopath. I just topped my day off with a quiet dinner out with Jeff, who has been such a great support for me. I don’t even know how to thank him for being everything I never expected him to be.
On the way home we heard Ketih Urban’s new song “Break on me”. How completely perfect of a song. Every now and then I am amazed at the timing of everything, and this was that moment for me today. I’ll leave you with the lyrics:
There’ll be days
Your heart don’t wanna beat
You pray more than you breathe
And you just wanna fall to pieces
And nights, those 2 AM calls
Where dreams become walls
And you just need a break
Break on me
Shatter like glass
Come apart in my hands
Take as long as it takes, girl
Break on me
Put your head on my chest
Let me help you forget
When your heart needs to break
Just break on me